Yesterday was one of those days you just want to expunge from your mind. If something could go wrong, it did. The kids were crying. Crying all day. Endlessly crying. You might think you would eventually get desensitized to it, but you would be wrong.
Kids are irrational. Kids are visceral. A kid’s feelings are intense, dynamic, and ALWAYS justified in their own mind. They have to have what they “need,” which is just what they want, but they still “NEED” it! As a parent, you chant to yourself, “I am the grown-up. I am the adult. I am the parent.” You lecture yourself. “I must be the patient, calm, understanding one. I AM the reasonable one.” You pause. You take a deep breath. You turn around, and there it is – the crying! You come face to face with relentless wailing and tears. THE NON-STOP CRYING! It happens. You lose it. Lecture lost. You become the irrational, impatient, non-understanding, completely unreasonable person. When you spend your entire day, every minute, moment, second, of a day, every year, with infants…It isn’t pretty. Embarrassing really. You should be better than this. But you’re not.
Well, come 6:00pm last night, my husband walked in the door. Poor husband. A truly wonderful man. I told him (likely yelled) “I ‘m done! I am clocked out.” I couldn’t pick up, talk to, or interact with one of my children for the rest of the night. As unreasonable and unlike a grown-up as it was, I was done. I stomped off to the sofa. I sat in the dark, listening to music for the remainder of the evening.
After showers, which were filled still with that good ole’ crying, husband finally had them all in bed, and he told our oldest. “I’m sorry Mommy and Daddy aren’t perfect parents. Can you love Mommy and Daddy anyways?” She laughed at him, in a cheerful and encouraging, not disrespectful way. While gently rubbing his head, she said “Of course I do, Daddy.” Kids – they amaze me! Don’t they amaze you too?
I realize that I am really lucky. I get to spend my entire day, every minute, moment, second, of a day, for every year, with my kids. I get to hold them, hug them, experience and see their lives. I get to watch them grow. I don’t get to see them just a little bit. I see them constantly. I know them. I likely know them better than they know themselves, and I love them. I love them just the way they are – irrational shrieking and all. Yeah, I need a time out just like they do every now and then. But at the end of the day, I am happy, and I love my kids. The best part – they love my too, unconditionally, just the way I am, despite myself. Doesn’t that just amaze you?